Setting up for a wedding can be expensive, complicated and stressful for the bride, groom and their families. And while it is the venue operator’s job to develop relationships with and understand the emotional and logistical desires of clients, it is their business.

Philippe Demol, marketing director at The Ballroom at McLean Gardens in Cleveland Park, says clients and planners need to have a mutual understanding. Planners have to “pretend this is the day of [the wedding]; you have to pretend that you are a client,” he said, adding that even if a potential client decides to take their business elsewhere, they leave with an understanding of the process and logistics of everything “from a party planner perspective.”

Demol sees a lot of potential clients who come ecstatic over the fact that their wedding is close, but without many details in mind. “Planning a wedding for a 20-something is a process,” he says. “They go from cloud nine to the reality of having to invite and plan for and feed 100-plus people. It’s a process.”

A crucial part of setting up a wedding is matching aspects such as the florist, photographer and DJ or band with the personalities of the bride and groom, according to Katie Shannon, social event sales manager at the Four Seasons Hotel Washington, D.C. in Georgetown. “We try to be as sensitive as possible to our clients’ requests,” she says. “Our main focus is the bride and groom.”

Shannon and Demol both emphasize that it is important for planners and their clients to visualize the wedding day. “Your place has to be ship-shape, clean. You have to be prepared to show them every single option and scenario,” Demol says. Shannon adds: “We go through a formal walkthrough process and paint a picture.”

Most clients book their venues nine months to a year before the wedding date. Demol says that he and his team offer their clients options for more than just the ceremony and reception. Because The Ballroom is not a hotel, part of his job is to inform clients of nearby hotels, as well as the parking situations and the closest synagogues.

The Ballroom hosts three to four Jewish weddings a year, Demol says. And apart from setting up and taking down the chuppah, the process for setting up for a Jewish wedding is largely the same as for any other wedding. Shannon, on the other hand, says that at least half of the Four Seasons’ weddings are Jewish weddings.

“There are a lot more details intertwined with a Jewish wedding,” she points out. Venues, Shannon says, need to make arrangements for the bedeken (the veiling of the bride) and the ketubah (marriage contract) signing if necessary, as well as to ensure that the hora begins at the right time and that, if there are guests who keep kosher, they receive their meals. The Four Seasons prepares all the food for the weddings they host.

“It’s our job to be extremely knowledgeable about all backgrounds and types of weddings.”

mmoline@washingtonjewishweek.com

Jon Toub and Lila Miller visited a mikvah before their wedding. Photo by Brianna Forster Photography.

A few days before their wedding in January, Lila Miller and Jonathan Toub went to Adas Israel Congregation in Washington and, in separate ceremonies, immersed themselves in the synagogue’s mikvah, or ritual bath.

“It was a nice pause before entering this time” before the wedding, says Miller, 27, a program associate for the Schusterman Foundation.

Immersion in the “living waters” of the mikvah before a wedding is a time-honored tradition for the bride- and groom-to-be, says Naomi Malka, director of the Adas Israel mikvah, which opened in 1989.

“Any time someone is marking a milestone in their life and changing life status,” is an opportune moment to visit the mikvah, she says.

For Miller and Toub, who don’t consider themselves particularly observant, their visit to the mikvah was among the traditional elements they nevertheless included in their wedding celebration.

“There’s something about doing traditions that have been done for thousands of years,” says Miller. Adds Toub, 29, a technology consultant, “It was a nice way to connect to generations before us.”

When the couple arrived at the synagogue for their appointment, they were greeted by Malka, who walked them through the steps leading to the immersion.

“There were different cleansing rituals,” she points out.

Before using the mikvah, one removes all jewelry, cuts finger and toe nails and washes thoroughly, so nothing comes between the mikvah water and the body.

Miller took her turn first.

She used a ceremony prepared by Mayyim Hayyim, a Boston-area mikvah. It included a meditation for each immersion.

One such meditation just before entering the water includes the words: “I am now prepared to leave behind that which I no longer choose, to become one with another life, to become a creator of new possibilities, to become a partner in sharing the joys of life, to teach and to learn the lessons of married life.”

There are two blessings upon immersing in the water: One thanks God for the commandment of immersion, the other, the Shehecheyanu blessing, expresses gratitude for reaching that moment in time.

“There are people who dip three times,” explains Malka. Miller and Toub were among them. “Some do it seven times. Seven is an important number in a wedding,” such as the seven blessings given to the couple. And at a mikvah, there are seven steps that lead into the water.

The mikvah resembles nothing more than a tiny swimming pool. Alone by the water symbolizing birth, life and change, Miller was left to her own thoughts.

“It created a really nice space, spiritually and physically,” she says.

“The thing that struck me most about it is how very separate it seemed,” says Ari Houser, a policy analyst for AARP, who used the Adas Israel mikvah before his wedding in 2012. “I was very much by myself.”

His wife, Deborah Srabstein, remembers what a contrast her mikvah experience was from the other activities surrounding her wedding.

“The rest of my wedding was with other people,” says Srabstein, education director for Oseh Shalom congregation. “This was one moment that was totally private. This was very personal.”
Couples often make separate appointments for the mikvah, says Malka. Some bring a friend or relative of the same gender to act as a witness, something Miller, Toub, Houser and Srabstein did not do.

“Sometimes brides will bring mom and friends and make a little party,” adds Malka. “They’ll tell stories, like at a shower.”

“One of the things that appealed to me is that it marked a rebirth in a sense,” says Toub. “I’m starting a new life with somebody new. It was a concrete activity to mark the separation between who I was individually and who I’m going to be as a life partner.”

As meaningful as their dip into tradition was, Miller and Toub are still a Washington couple. So how did they follow up their mikvah experience?

Says Miller, “We went back to work.”

For information on the Adas Israel Synagogue (Conservative) mikvah, go to adasisrael.ork/mikvah, email mikvah@adasisrael.org or call 202-841-8776.

dholzel@washingtonjewishweek.com @DavidHolzel

Washington-area mikvaot

Adas Israel’s ritual bath is a “progressive mikvah,” director Naomi Malka says. “Our rules might not be the same at an Orthodox mikvah.”

There are several Orthodox mikvaot in the Washington area. They include:

Aspen Hill Community Mikvah 13300 Arctic Ave., Rockville, Md. 20853,
(301) 962 – 9400,  mikvah.org/mikvah745/aspen_hill_community_mikvah

Jewish Family Center Mikvah 18318 Georgia Ave., Olney, Md. 20832, 301-774-2880

Kemp Mill Community Mikvah 1401 Arcola Ave., Silver Spring, Md. 20902, 301-649-4425

Mikvah Ateres Yisroel 11621 Seven Locks Rd., Potomac, Md. 20854, 301-299-0144

National Capital Mikvah 1308 28th St. NW, Washington DC, 20007 (Georgetown), 202-342-5303, dcmikvah.wordpress.com

Woodside Mikvah 8901 Georgia Ave. (corner of Ballard St .), Silver Spring, Md. 20910

301-565 – 3737, mikvahemunah.com

Yitzchak Wallerstein Mikvah, 913 Grays Lane, just off of Kemp Mill Road, Silver Spring, Md. 20902, 301-681-3737, mikvahemunah.com

These days, food served at Jewish weddings tends to mirror non-Jewish trends, though sometimes with a twist. Right now, the emphasis is on the miniature. If you’re looking for fun menu ideas for your upcoming wedding, read on to see how other Jews are planning to feed their guests:

Appetizers
According to the website The Modern Jewish Wedding (themodernjewishwedding.com), “playful and portable is the way to go!” The site suggests mini cupcakes that go the savory route: Fill them with manchego cheese, zucchini and salmon with creme fraiche.

Another suggestion: savory lollipops. The site’s Pinterest page features a recipe for the dangerously delicious-sounding seared sweet potato cakes topped with braised short ribs and horseradish liquid nitrogen pearls.

Other ideas from TMJW and around the Internet include strawberry feta skewers, different types of popcorn, caprese pops (on a stick — half of a grape tomato with a bit of fresh mozzarella and sprinkled with basil), an interactive hummus buffet and food stations on carts that can be wheeled around the reception. The playful and portable route seems to be a common thread among all suggestions.

Entrees
Several caterers suggest going vegetarian or even vegan, or at least dairy/fish, especially if you intend to have guests whose levels of kashrut observance might be beyond those of the caterer you choose. Fish can be a fun food to try different things with.

Planners Lounge (plannerslounge.com) has the idea for a mahi-mahi or tilapia fish taco station. Tapas can be an entree that allows people who may be indecisive about which entree they want to try a bit of everything.

TMJW says a chili bar, complete with hot dogs, fries, chips and various other fixins’ (if you want to go the Chicago-style path, you’ll need mustard, sauerkraut, diced onions, relish, tomatoes, pickled, hot peppers and celery salt — and no ketchup), although chili dogs can be dangerous for people wearing nice clothing.

Sliders can double as an appetizer and an entree, and feature virtually endless possibilities; you can do salmon, hamburger, brisket, chicken, tuna, even veggie — pretty much anything that can be put into patty or steak form. With sliders, a fun option is to have a sauce and topping bar so that people can customize their own.

If you decide on a hummus bar during appetizers, you can stick with the Mediterranean theme and serve falafel and/or shawarma—although, as with chili dogs, toppings like tahini can be a staining threat. Finally, and this applies to both the meal and dessert, many Jewish weddings are bringing in prepaid food trucks to serve their favorite foods to the guests.

Alcohol
A lot of websites and caterers are suggesting make-your-own cocktail bars. These are called infusion bars, in which different high-end liqueurs and mixers are featured. Diva With a Fork (divawithafork.com) offered an interesting twist on the idea — a champagne infusion bar.

Champagne can mix with many other flavors, including the recommended creme de cassis, Midori (or other melon liqueur), blueberry schnapps and apricot nectar. Other sites like Mazel Moments (mazelmoments.com) have shared recipes for frozen cocktail push-pops that can be festively flavored and decorated based on your color scheme. And, of course, you can always just have a good old fashioned bartender.

Desserts
Here comes the fun part. TMJW has a post dedicated to cake trends — some brides are choosing to have upside-down wedding cakes (the picture shown in the post has a cake attached to the bottom of a chandelier).

Fondant can be very unhealthy; naked cakes are on the rise. If you want something a little less traditional and decide to go with a naked cake, you can have a layer cake with a drizzle that can be very pretty. Other trends include cakes designed to look like the bride’s dress and geometric cakes.

For other desserts, you can’t really go wrong. If you want to bring your reception full circle, you can have cupcakes in the same design as the savory appetizers — though you might want to tell people what they’ll be tasting before they bite in.

One web post recommended edible jewelry to adorn whatever dessert you try. The key is that desserts, as with all wedding food, is trending toward the mini. Whether cupcakes, brownies, cookies or something else, small is all. And, as mentioned in the entree section, a dessert food truck is always a good choice.

mmoline@washingtonjewishweek.com

photo by sammydavisdog

With each year come new wedding trends, and in 2014, it’s really time to start thinking outside of the box. Music-themed, tropical beach weddings, white weddings and red weddings? Those are no longer trendy these days — and not many will be planning a red one, thanks to Game of Thrones.

But have no fear. There are plenty of new trends worth considering. And you can always use these ideas as inspiration for something else or combine some to make it unique. Take a look at five popular trends for 2014.

Woodland theme
According to The Knot, a popular wedding media company and wedding planning/idea website, possibly the trendiest wedding theme this year is rustic, earthy and natural. As in a branches, leaves, flowers (a lot of flowers), faux fur, Mirkwood in Lord of the Rings vibe. Think green, branchy centerpieces, animal motif invitations and decorations, and flower girls with flower crowns.

For the bride, a gown with ethereal lace and floral patterns with a long veil should do the trick, and bridesmaids with mismatched, sparkly dresses and loose braids, echoing the look of the bride. The flowery and green/earthy decorations can also be set up to complement the food and wedding cake as well.

Pink, purple and romantic
Does the woodland theme have a little too much going on for your fancy? Don’t worry. Simple things such as color are in these days. Rachel Griffiths of Bridal Guide magazine writes that event designer Tara Guérard of the Charleston- and New York-based company Soirée says the color pink is in: “It’s the nudes, the blushes, the peaches — not Pepto-Bismol pink!”

Bridemeetswedding.com writes that a chocolate-box purple color scheme is also in, meaning deep purple and plums in the flowers, bridesmaid dresses and table linens.

Another idea that could probably go along with either color scheme is a traditional, Roaring Twenties romance theme. Think The Great Gatsby, with big band jazz music, crystal candlesticks, fine china and white-gloved waiters.

It’s all in the invite
Melinda Morris of Brooklyn, N.Y., paperie boutique Lion In The Sun tells Bridal Guide that custom invites will be popular this year. This doesn’t mean you have to be a good artist (but by all means, if you are, design them yourself to make it even more personal). If you have an idea, an artist is out there who can make your dream invitations a reality. Invitations are also getting smaller. Morris says that the most requested invites are smaller than the standard five inches by seven inches.

#SmartphoneCentral
Two other trends that the website The Knot provides don’t specifically concern the look and decor of the wedding itself. They have to do with a certain aspect of most people’s daily lives, which is the use of a smartphone. These days, when people go to an event, everyone connected with them on social media attends too — just not physically. Take a wedding, for example. Attendees might live-Tweet it, hashtag the newlyweds’ last name, and upload photos immediately to Facebook and Instagram so friends not in attendance can follow along.

For many couples, a scene involving guests attached to their phones during the ceremony and reception is a huge no-no. The key to changing this is an unplugged wedding. From adding reminders to wedding websites and ceremony programs asking guests to not take photo and video to administering a phone check at the door, couples are making sure that their wedding will be a private, more intimate affair, free of social media.

However, some couples might want the exact opposite of an unplugged wedding. An arguably more popular trend involves providing numerous, decorative phone-charging stations at the wedding reception. This will ensure guests’ phones stay charged so there are plenty of photos taken throughout the day and posted to social media, along with a custom hashtag for the affair.

Party like a rock star
Last, but not least, is the all-nighter wedding theme. And no, we’re not talking about the all-nighter you pulled in college. We’re talking all-nighter, as in party all night.

OK, not literally, but couples these days love to party and want their weddings to last as long as possible, long after the reception. According to The Knot, many couples keep the celebration going by changing the vibe or style, and moving the party into a different room or location. This after-party will usually have a completely different look and feel, accompanied with late-night eats and drink pairings.

Just remember to have transportation arranged for wherever guests are staying, so no one drinks and drives.

izelaya@washingtonjewishweek.com
@IanDavidZelaya

News for all Jewish brides who observe a stricter code of dress: modest is trending. Ever since Grace Kelly graced the aisle in 1956, lacing on layers became iconic bridal flair.

The Royal Wedding in 2011 was watched by an estimated 3 billion viewers, but that wasn’t the day’s only matrimonial “coverage”: Princess Kate experienced heaps of attention for her stylish yet sensible, lace-sleeved dress. In 2009, Ivanka Trump received similar attention for her modest sleeves, when she wed an Orthodox Jewish man, Jared Kushner.

The New York Times praised Trump’s look as “sensational.” Although many bridews still opt for strapless dresses or revealing sweetheart necklines, a modest movement is well underway. For Maryland, Washington, D.C., and Northern Virginia brides and bridesmaids who wish to dress modestly, yet forgo the stress and expense of tailoring or building a dress from scratch, there are options. Gemachs – a free loan fund and shorthand for the Jewish maxim gemilut chasadim, “acts of kindness”— have become Greater Washington’s number one resource for modest chuppah-worthy finds.

Don’t let the setting of going dress-hunting in a basement fool you; many gemach curators update their gowns as often as twice a year. Nusy Lefkowitz, part of the trio with Debby Gibber and Rena Klein who run Ahavas Yisroel Sofie Gutman Gown Gemach, keeps her inventory fresh by making an annual trip to rental stores in New York and Lakewood, N.J., she said.

The gemach scene attracts brides of every budget. Lefkowitz said she sees “wealthy women who walk out with gowns” as well as girls who cannot afford to pay the recommended $50 donation. Lefkowitz said the team loves providing “fashionably free dresses,” and she personally feels most happy when she helps a bride she knows would not be able to afford the dress otherwise.

Based in Lefkowitz’s basement in Baltimore, Ahavas Yisroel brings in brides from Baltimore, D.C. and Silver Spring. Which colors and styles are they asking for? “Cream is very popular all year round,” Lefkowitz said, while “blush and navy are very popular, and chiffon and taffeta are trending in New York.” Others head north to the bridal shops in Brooklyn, Monsey and Teaneck in search of the latest, modest trends. That’s what Silver Spring native Renee Temin did when she was hunting for a wedding dress last January.

Temin, who describes herself as “too particular,” was prepared for a days-long search for the perfect dress. She found it in one of the first stores she visited in Lakewood, N.J. “I liked the variety,” Temin said. Before checking out bridal gemachs or schlepping all the way to the tri-state area, some Jewish brides find luck on the Internet.

Although both shops are located in Utah, an area with a large Mormon community, both Beautifully Modest and Latter Day Bride & Prom offer shipping services on all their bride and wedding party gowns. The two companies aim to dispel the common fear that showing less skin means wearing something analogous to a potato sack; Latter Day Bride & Prom’s catalogue features 15 pages of Vogue-worthy dresses with styles from mermaid to ball gown.

Owner of Beautifully Modest Janelle Carlson said she loves providing an alternative to the more exposed wedding designs. “I didn’t want to go against what I believe. I believe in a modest product.” Her inventory ranges from $299 to $1,100 for brides and $50 to $399 for bridesmaids’ dresses.

Every Jewish bride tries to live up to the image of Eishet Chayil, the “Woman of Valor” from the psalms, whose “strength and splendor are her clothing.” What this trend proves is that modesty and splendor can go hand-in-hand.

Weddings don’t just unite the bride and groom. They bring together friends and family from near and far, people who have traveled through various moments of the couple’s lives. A wedding guest list is a mosaic, filled with close friends and family, distant cousins, work and school associates, old teammates from college, the neighbors who watched you grow up, and the buddies you golf with. While all these people might know the bride and groom, they don’t necessarily know each other.

Yoni Lautman wants to bring everyone at a wedding together—one small photograph at a time. When his brother and sister- in-law, Daniel and Ariel Brandt Lautman, were married a few years ago, Yoni Lautman noticed that not only the hired photographer, but nearly everyone there was taking photos with their phones. “I got curious and thought it would be cool to see all these other photos taken from different angles of the same event. But, since I don’t know these people, I wasn’t connected to them through social media like Facebook or Instagram.”

Ultimately, this inkling of an idea, fused with Yoni Lautman’s love of astronomy and space, inspired him to create Biosaic, a new photo social sharing tool for special gatherings like weddings and bar/bat mitzvahs.

Biosaic is a computer tool and smart phone application that allows attendees at events to electronically stitch their photographs to form a large-scale photomosaic of a single picture – most typically of the bride and groom.

“In college I was an earth/space science major” at Towson University, he explained. “Astronomy is my favorite thing and I love looking at the stars … It made me feel very insignificant, but then you realize there are all these little parts that make up the universe,” Lautman said. “Just like every human being, no matter how insignificant they are, contributes to something that’s larger.” That’s what Biosaic does, too. It takes dozens or even hundreds of small photographs and tiles them together to create a single large photo. Biosaic is also a family affair.

Lautman’s father, Mark, of Rockville, has been collaborating with him for three years to turn this idea into a reality. “We work extremely well together,” Mark Lautman said, noting that many of their meetings took place at the family’s dining room table.

Earlier this summer, Biosaic went live online and as a mobile app. Both Lautmans said it’s a great way to make a wedding, a bar or bat mitzvah, a family reunion or a summer vacation into something both memorable and interactive. At private community events like weddings or bar mitzvahs, each table displays a tent card that provides the electronic address for the Biosaic reserved for that particular party.

The initiator of the Biosaic – the bridal couple, for example — selects one photo that all the contributed photos will become a part of. Guests at the party log in, follow instructions on the tent cards, and upload their pictures to the photomosaic. Participants can contribute one or a few “tiles” to the larger finished product, a mosaic created by combining those pictures through color sorting automatically.

Options include photomosaics composed of 100, 225, 400 or 900 photo tiles. While Yoni Lautman works on the business end of the company, providing the vision, marketing and public relations, his father, Mark, does the back-end work on programming the website and phone app. Born in Israel, Yoni Lautman and his family came to the U.S.when he was eight.

He and three of his four brothers celebrated their bar mitzvahs at Tikvat Israel Congregation in Rockville and he spent a gap year in Israel after graduating from Walter Johnson High School in North Bethesda. “My father doesn’t treat me as a boss; I don’t treat him as an employee,” the younger Lautman said. “We set aside time for when I’m the son and he’s my father and we set aside time when we’re cofounders.” Yoni Lautman attributes his drive and success to the way he was raised. “My parents raised me as a Jew in a Jewish household.

We have this openness of community within the household and the way my father and I work, the way my father talks to all of his sons, that openness allows us to keep going, three years into [Biosaic]. If I had been raised any differently and there had been miscommunication, it would not have worked.”

Mark Lautman, the quintessential proud father, beams: “I’m so proud of how he has really stuck with this, and takes initiative. We identify our mistakes and correct them. He did the research and found out what we needed to do to become an incorporated business. He’s led the way. It’s been quite a journey.” Lautman the elder even notes Jewish themes in Biosaic’s concept: “There’s a biblical angle here.

The high priest wore some kind of breast plate with the names of all the tribes written on it. It was a communal symbol that the high priest represents the whole nation of Israel. “Our photomosaics have the names of all of the people at an event. In a similar way that the breast plate represents all of the Jewish people, Biosaic represents the community at a wedding or bar mitzvah.”

Sarah Pease once heard about a guy who proposed to his would-be bride by hiding her wedding ring at the bottom of a bucket of greasy fried chicken. Come on. Was he kidding?!

Pease said the suitor wanted to spoil his girlfriend with her favorite food, but thought to herself there has to be a better way to pop the question. That’s when Pease decided to start her own professional proposal planning business, forming Brilliant Event Planning in 2008. The New York City-based firm helps clients from all over the world plan the perfect proposal.

A proposal consultant designs and can execute all the details — finding the right food, music, gathering the family and friends as a surprise, arranging for entertainment, hiring actors, providing fancy cars, flowers and props.

Pease can work this magic in a matter of days, but, if she is lucky, the client will approach her with at least a week’s notice. Most guys don’t. “Guys are leaving proposals to the last minute, usually calling on a Monday saying, ‘Sarah I need to be engaged by Friday,’” Pease bemoaned. So the clock is ticking. Another challenging job is dealing with a client’s budget.

“Everyone has big dreams – Champagne taste on a beer budget,” she said. Pease’s services begin at $5,000. Her average bill is between $15,000 and $20,000. But that is not the highest price her clients have paid, she said. Many have paid double or triple that amount to master the art of the proposal.

Locally, other consultants have joined in the act. My Marriage Proposal Planner charges between $500 and $1,500 for consulting and execution. “It really depends on how much work they need and if they come with the idea,” said Christiana Eaglin, a Colesville, Md.-based proposal consultant. The Yes Girls, a California company, divides its services into three packages: brainstorming ideas, matching grooms who come with their own ideas with vendors, or a complete package starting at $1,200 which includes both consulting and execution. “Popping the question is a pretty big deal,” Pease stressed, “regardless of how elaborate or how much money you spend. It changes your life.”

A recent Yes Girls’ proposal in Washington, D.C., included a reunion for the couple — he was a serviceman deployed overseas and his girlfriend was here at home. The couple entered a private spa room filled with sunflowers, her favorite. Hanging on the wall was picture of Batman and Catwoman kissing, an inside joke.

Another was staged at Tryst coffee house in Adams Morgan, the location of the couple’s first date.

“The bride’s grandmother helped raise her and she always told her boyfriend that her grandparents were her favorite love story,” said Elie Pitts of the Yes Girls, “so we had a large painting made of the Waldorf Astoria (that’s where her grandfather proposed to her grandmother) and had five boxes with a gift inside each one.”

Each gift brought the bride closer to the ring.

“The first gift was little pottery vases that the couple made on a date; the second was a love poem from him; the third was a set of pushpins with maps of places they have traveled together and tickets to Mexico to leave the next day; the fourth box gift was a framed picture of their cat and dog in bride and groom outfits; and the last was an iPad with a message from her grandmother telling her how proud she is of her love story,” recalled Pitts.

After the hundreds of proposals these consultants have crafted, each stressed the importance of making it personal. One client of Pease’s took this idea literally and devised a proposal around the concept of the couples’ relationship timeline. He was set on the idea of having it inside the couple’s home. When she walked in, she was greeted with a sea of rose petals on the floor. As she went through the house, there were hand-painted signs everywhere, created by the man’s mother, an artist.

The first sign in the house was where they met, the second sign indicated where their first date was, the next sign the venue of their first concert, and so forth. After the woman was led through almost the entire house, her would-be fiancé brought her into a final room filled with her favorite flowers, orchids, flown in from Thailand. “Each…had a note on it, written in calligraphy, about why he loved her,” said Pease. Some are “fun ones, and more on the lighthearted side.” Pease remembers working with a couple coming from out of town to see a Broadway show.

They went to see Wicked, and Pease arranged a private backstage visit after the show. The soon-to-be bride thought this was it for the special night. A stagehand told them how amazing it is to stand center stage and urged the couple to do just that.

While there, a little dog ran onto the stage to greet them. The woman, a dog lover, picked up the puppy to find a message on the collar: “Will you marry me?” The man dropped to one knee and promptly proposed. When she said “yes,” confetti cans went off while a musician from Wicked’s pit played for them. Pease’s next proposal is for a British man who wants a “flash mob.”

The plan is as follows: The couple is going to arrive at the restaurant and will be escorted to a rooftop table. As most people do, they will peek over the side of the rooftop. From below, roughly 10 people will hold signs saying “Will you marry me?” But the evening will not stop there. “Everyone on the rooftop, who seem to be patrons of the restaurant…are singers and will be performing for the newly engaged couple.”

As romantic as these staged proposals are for the couples, pulling them off is a high-stress affair for the consultants. A thunderstorm, traffic or an actor out of place could ruin the entire surprise. Eaglin says listening to the clients is the key to minimizing mistakes. “I listen and go through a questionnaire with the [would-be] groom, and get a feel for their relationship,” Eaglin said. “I pull an idea out just by getting to know them.”

Location is one of the biggest details of the planning process. Many people want their location to be on rooftops, on beaches or overlooking them, said Pease. Many also demand music — live musicians or a pre-recorded soundtrack.

All the consultants have seen an increase in clients wanting to document the proposal with a photographer and videographer, just like a wedding. The soon-to-be brides typically display a “sneeze face, where the girl puts both of her hands on her face, nose and mouth and she looks like she’s about to sneeze,” said Pitts of the Yes Girls.

But sometimes “we get girls who know it has been coming and they’ve just been sitting around waiting for it and so they’re not as surprised.

“They just walk into it and they’re like finally, let’s get this sucker done!”

alaz@washingtonjewishweek.com

@alexalaz130

Photo by Suzanne Pollak

Marrying someone you love, whether at age 21 or 81, sure beats being alone, say older folks taking the plunge again.

Joyce Lyman moved into the Ring House, a Charles E. Smith Life Community, in her late 50s as a divorced woman taking care of a parent. They moved into the complex together as that was the only way she could convince her father to move out of his home.

At an oneg Shabbat, she noticed a man grabbing a few chocolate chip cookies and then leaving.

The third Shabbat she observed this, Joyce Lyman decided to take matters into her own hands, literally. She covered the plate of cookies with her hands, looked at this stranger and said, “‘I’m Joyce, would you like a cookie?’” Jim Lyman shyly said yes. Not long after that, they both attended the Ring House’s New Year’s Eve dance.

A social worker got them dancing, and “we danced all night long,” Joyce Lyman recalled. They were married at Congregation Beth El in Bethesda seven years ago when Joyce Lyman was 63, and Jim Lyman was 86. As for his first marriage, “We had a good marriage of more than 60 years, until she became ill and passed away. I had a happy marriage. Now I am happy to say I am having a happy second time around.” For Joyce Lyman, “I married my first husband who was the love of my youth and had two sons.

Then I married Jim who was my mature love for life. I honestly believe there is a lot to be said for being mature, selecting someone you want to be with and talk with.” Jim Lyman, who worked in newspapers and public affairs, gazed at his wife and said, “I can’t say enough for what Joyce has done for me,” to which she quickly replied, “Hey, it’s a two way street.”

Lucille and Irving Malamut of Leisure World in Silver Spring could have known each other for many years. They were founding members of Temple Shalom in Chevy Chase, but they had never met. That changed just a few months after both their spouses passed away in 1981, only a month apart. He was was 69 years old at the time and she was 56, and neither one had marriage on their minds when they attended a wine tasting at their synagogue.

It took a while for them to be officially married, said Lucille Malamut, who goes by “Lucky,” the nickname she was given in college. They spent time together, but it wasn’t until her family embarked on a trip and she wanted to bring her boyfriend along that they considered marriage. Right up to their wedding day, “I told her she was too young for me,” said Irving Malamut, who formerly owned auto supply stores in Washington, D.C., and Maryland.

He confessed to being reluctant to marry a second time. “I don’t know whether I wanted to get married. My first wife had a lot of [health] problems, and I didn’t want to go through that again.

But this woman next to me was so nice,” he said as they sat together on the couch in their Leisure World home. “I was quite lucky to meet this woman. She was a good catch.” Lucky Malamut also questioned whether she was ready to remarry. “My first marriage was good,” she said.

Thirty years later, the couple clearly has no regrets.

They spend their days together, often attending meetings with the Democratic Party of Leisure World, Hadassah, where she is on the board of directors, or with Leisure World friends. They still attend Temple Shalom often and eat dinner out. “It’s better than cooking,” Lucky Malamut said.

She still drives. He stopped at the end of last year, when he turned 100.

But, his wife pointed out, he still has his license. “Being together is so wonderful. I would hate to be alone these 30 years,” Lucky Malamut said. The second time around is different, she explained. “When you get married in your twenties, it’s a different world than when you are in your sixties. I think you are more picky, because you know what to expect.”

“I just think when you have a wonderful partner you are lucky,” whether it’s the first or second marriage, her husband stressed.

To anyone contemplating a late-in-life marriage, Lucky Malamut advised, “Do it. It’s wonderful. There is no advantage to being alone.”

spollak@washingtonjewishweek.com

@SuzannePollak

Dim sum, donut bars, appetizers paired with mini drinks, cheese sommeliers, meat bars, breakfast food and anything vegan made it to Amy Levin-Epstein’s list of the top new wedding catering trends for 2014. Hungry yet?

“There’s so much more to wedding food than chicken and potatoes,” wrote the media’s matrimonial guru in a recent Huffington Post article.

“Weddings are more personalized these days than ever before,” agreed Kim Forrest, editor of WeddingWire. “Each element is an opportunity for a couple to express themselves, and the food is no exception. Couples are incorporating their favorite foods, childhood favorites, and even dishes from countries they’ve traveled to into their menus.”

Katie Rotramel, client and venue relations manager with Eat and Smile Catering in Washington, D.C., said food trends this year reflect a move from bigger to smaller plates with more tapas-style hors d’oeuvres. There is “more of an emphasis on the party and not everyone sitting down at dinner. This allows for more mingling and more of a cocktail party atmosphere.”

Roughly half of Eat and Smile Catering’s clients are opting for this style, Rotramel said, adding that she catered her own wedding this way.

“It’s conducive for people [who are] meeting for the first time and friends who don’t meet regularly, versus being stuck at a table with seven other strangers,” said Rotramel. Though the bites are smaller, the experts say, the food still has to taste great.

But what about traditional wedding buffets?

Forrest says that buffets have long been popular because they are “less expensive than plated sit-down dinners.”

Smaller plates, however, please more guests and also save the couple money. Forrest said she has noticed “a lot of cute pairings – miniature grilled cheese sandwiches served with a shot glass of tomato soup, tiny tuna tacos with a tequila shot and more.” Couples are also incorporating what are known as “action stations” into the wedding cocktail hour – where chefs prepare small dishes to order.

Experts say savory foods are not all that’s on the menu this season. According to Forrest, many couples still favor the cake-cutting tradition. “Those cake-cutting photos are such classics, and I think couples like to carry on that tradition,” she said. “And there are so many ways to decorate a wedding cake, it’s another opportunity to express your style.”

But move over wedding cakes — cupcakes and other bite-sized desserts are finally giving the wedding cake some competition.

Cupcakes started to be a big trend a few years ago, and many couples still serve them, Forrest said. “Not only are cupcakes cute, but they also provide an easy portion for each guest rather than having to cut a wedding cake.”

Yet another sweet innovation are push-pops, said Epstein. These circular or square-shaped bites of cake-on-a-stick look like miniature wedding cakes and often taste just as good.

alaz@washingtonjewishweek.com

@alexalaz130

Someday soon, Angelique Tolmach’s wedding might be considered retro. When the Potomac native married Brandon Tolmach in Fort Lauderdale last January they followed standard Jewish protocol: Chuppah. Ketubah. Ring. Breaking the glass.

Where they parted with tradition was in asking their guests – very nicely – to not take pictures of the ceremony. “We’d go to these events and you’d see the great-aunt standing in front with an iPad, taking pictures,” Tolmach says. “I didn’t want to have to worry about that.” The answer was an “unplugged wedding.” It’s increasingly popular with couples who, after spending thousands of dollars on getting their wedding just right, want to have a say in how the memories of that day are captured.

It’s popular with professional photographers who are tired of taking that now-iconic photograph of other people taking photographs. Yet the trend isn’t old-fashioned as much as an attempt to grapple with how to use technology that plays an increasing large role in our lives.

“The unplugged wedding is every photographer’s dream,” says Michael Temchine, a Washington, D.C., photographer, who says that dream has never come true for him.

Stephen Gosling, another D.C. photographer, says he has attempted numerous wedding shots where he was cut off from his subject by “people leaning into the aisle with a phone or iPad.”

Wedding photographers even have a nickname for this kind of guest – “Uncle Bob.” Gosling recalls one wedding where there was an “Uncle Bob” sitting front-row center, sticking his arm into the aisle as he tried to shoot a picture. Gosling alerted the wedding planner, who told the guest to keep his arm out of the photographer’s shot. In opting for an unplugged wedding, Angelique Tolmach avoided that sort of elbowing the photographer.

And it allowed her to decide which pictures the world would see of the most intimate public moment of her life – and when. “I wanted to manage what other people saw out there,” said Tolmach, a cousin of Washington Jewish Week Editor-in-Chief Geoffrey W. Melada.

Since wedding photos have spilled digitally out of printed photo albums and onto wedding websites and from there to Facebook and Instagram, the time it took to produce images of the wedding went from days or weeks to split seconds. And since anyone with a phone is now a potential wedding photographer, it’s possible for any snap-happy guest to get in front of the couple in publicizing the event.

“The most significant consequence of people using cell phones at weddings is that pictures of the bride and groom as well as the event end up on Facebook before the bride and groom have said their vows,” said Tracy Bloom Schwartz, of Creative Parties, Ltd., in Bethesda.

And it has the potential to cause the couple to inadvertently break Jewish tradition. It’s customary for the bride and groom to not see each other before the ceremony.

Temchine, who photographs many Orthodox weddings, imagines a bridesmaid snapping a picture of the bride when she is getting into her dress and uploading it to Facebook. Meanwhile the groom, using a free moment to check his Facebook account, comes across the photo of his fiancée.

“So he sees her – maybe in the dress, maybe in makeup.”

Either way, it breaks the spirit of the separation before the ceremony, as well as undercutting the drama of the bride’s entrance at the wedding. Asking nicely How do you ask guests nicely to pocket that phone?

“Our most popular way to manage the situation is to create beautiful signage to post where people enter the room for the wedding requesting that phones be silenced and cameras not be used,” Schwartz says. “I would like to think that it helps, but just like at the movies some people forget or think no one calls them.”

The Tolmachs put their request in their wedding program: “Lastly, we want to welcome friends and family to our Unplugged Wedding. Brandon and Angelique invite you to be truly present at this special time. Please, turn off your cell phones and put down your cameras. We would greatly appreciate it if no photos are posted publicly and allow the photographer to capture how this moment looks. We encourage you all to capture how it feels with your hearts, without the distraction of technology.Thank you in advance for your cooperation.”

The request was largely, but not universally, heeded, Angelique Tolmach says. But with their invitation “to be truly present” the couple was recognizing that to take part, you can’t put a partition between you and the event. That’s what a camera is. Says Temchine, “As a photographer, you realize you’re not watching or participating in an event – you’re watching a screen.”

Gosling is philosophical. “It’s the world we live in,” he says. The wedding drone But if there are going to be hundreds – if not thousands – of photos of the wedding, the party, and any other celebrations, how is anyone to find them all on the Internet?

Gosling says that many couples pick a hashtag for their wedding – say #BigDay or #AtMekushetLi – and let guests know to tag their photos with it. So no matter where on the Internet the photos land, they can be found. Gosling knew a man who created his own wedding photo app.

He gave guests instructions to download it. “That way it was easier to catalog all the pictures.” If you don’t spend your spare time creating apps, you can take advantage of the ones that already exist, as well as other services available online. Here are five: Evernote – Software and services for note-taking and archiving. You and your intended can share the same list and check it off as you complete your pre-wedding tasks.

WeddingWire – A fleet of mobile apps for managing lists, finding vendors, choosing dresses and archiving photos. Appy Couple – Lets you create a customized wedding app and website to share all the information and content about your wedding with guests. Pinterest – Using the social bookmarking site is like “ripping the pages out of wedding magazines and taping them to your bulletin board,” according to Mashable. LiveLens – Its live-streaming capabilities let you include guests who can’t make it to the ceremony, but do have access to a computer.

By far the sexiest and most controversial tech innovation is the wedding drone, which flies above the ceremony and photographs the wedding from a bird’s-eye view.

The technology is not foolproof – a popular YouTube video shows the footage shot by a drone as it zooms toward a newly married couple and smashes unceremoniously into the groom’s face.

And it raises legal questions. In June, U.S. Rep. Sean Maloney (D-N.Y.) hired a videographer to photograph his wedding using a drone. Critics pointed out that commercial drones violate Federal Aviation Administration regulations.

Coincidentally, Maloney sits on the House Transportation and Infrastructure Aviation Subcommittee — which oversees the FAA. Still, all signs point to more technology in weddings, rather than less. Even Tolmach, who wanted an unplugged wedding, wouldn’t rule out a drone if she had to do it all over again.

“I like the idea.”

dholzel@washingtonjewishweek.com

@DavidHolzel

Brandon Gray and Emily Woolf trade smiles during the badeken, or veiling of the bride, at their January wedding Washington.
Photo by Bryan Blanken / Freed Photography

A year before their wedding, Brandon Gray and Emily Woolf sat down with their rabbi, Jonathan Maltzman of Kol Shalom in Rockville.

“We wanted to know what a Conservative traditional Jewish wedding would look like in 2015,” said Gray.

Maltzman told the couple that a traditional wedding has few requirements and a lot of room for originality.

“He said that if we wanted to play the trombone as we walked down the aisle, we could.”

There were no trombones at their January wedding at the Park Hyatt in Washington. Gray and Woolf – now Brandon and Emily Gray – instead chose to follow the order of the traditional Jewish wedding, both before and after the ceremony itself.

They included kabbalat panim (welcoming guests), badeken (veiling the bride) and yichud (seclusion after the ceremony).

Kabbalat Panim
Kabbalat panim literally means “welcoming faces.” In Yiddish it’s called tish, or “table,” usually an event where a rabbi speaks words of Torah over food and drink. The kabbalat panim occurs before the wedding ceremony, and it is the groom, not a rabbi, who is the center of attention.

Traditionally male guests and family members gather to get to know each other, eat and drink a little, help dispel the groom’s pre-wedding jitters and raise the level of joy among the company.
As at a rabbi’s tish, the groom attempts to deliver a short dvar Torah. But his guests take every opportunity to seize on his words and turn them into song.

“My dvar Torah was on the last three of the 10 Plagues,” Brandon said. His party included Jews and non-Jews. And because Hebrew songs weren’t familiar to everyone, the group mixed in English-language songs.

“I went to the University of Tennessee for undergrad,” Brandon said. “’So we sang ‘Rocky Top.’” “Another One Bites the Dust” by Queen helped send him off toward married life.

At some weddings, the bride and groom will have a separate kabbalat panim – one tradition has the bride seated on a large chair and receiving whispered blessings from friends and family. Other couples will deliver a dvar Torah together.

After 20 minutes, Brandon’s group, singing, walked him out of the room to where Emily was waiting to begin the segment of their wedding.

Badeken
The ketubah signing was scheduled for 6:30 p.m. so Emily arrived five minutes early in the room where it was to take place with her mother, aunt and bridesmaids.

“All of a sudden I heard this singing and Brandon came in with all the guys,” Emily said. “That’s when it started to feel real to me.”

The ketubah, or marriage contract, would be signed by two witnesses: Brandon’s best friend since age 10 and one of Emily’s bridesmaids.

First, though, Brandon and Emily performed the badeken, the veiling of the bride.

The act is traced back to the Bible: Rebecca covered her face before marrying Isaac. And Jacob was fooled into marrying Leah instead of her sister, Rachel, because Leah’s face was veiled at the wedding.

But Rabbi David Kalender of Olam Tikvah in Fairfax thinks that hoary Jacob story is a bit too simplistic to be meaningful to contemporary couples, as if a groom really needs to make sure that the woman under the veil is his intended.

“When people say, ‘It’s just like Jacob,’ I think that’s adorable. But the veiling is not about putting a veil on. It’s about creating a sacred space and a sacred time,” he said. “It creates a private moment for those people in the middle of that larger moment.”

As the object of everyone’s attention at the veiling, Emily was afforded a clear view of her guests.
“Everyone was grinning ear to ear,” she said. “For some this was their first Jewish wedding. Watching the expressions on their faces was special to me as well.”

Yichud
Fast forward: The wine has been drunk and the blessings said. The rings have been proffered and accepted and the ketubah read aloud. Then glass is smashed, and everyone exhales with a jubilant “mazal tov.”

The first thing they do as a married couple is go into seclusion, a short period of time called yichud, or “together.” Alone in a private room, with two “witnesses” from the wedding party guarding the door to assure privacy, the couple has a chance to catch their breath.

Yichud is a vestigial reminder that one of three ways a Jew can be married is through sexual relations. (The other two are the exchange of an object of value, such as a ring, and a signed contract, the ketubah. All are included in the modern Jewish wedding.)

“In the midst of all that, it’s critically important that the couple have a chance to breathe together, whether it’s three minutes or 20 minutes,” Kalender said.

There is a custom that the couple fasts on their wedding day and breaks the fast at the yichud. Kalender says the act can have more meaning than just putting food in the stomach.

“Eating together gives a physical, hands-on expression to what’s going on in their heads. You two are getting married because you want to sustain each other,” he said.

Emily and Brandon Gray did not fast that day, but they ate a bit during their 20 minutes of seclusion.

“We were allowed to have our alone time, and everything sinks in,” Emily said. “You’re in shock, and what just happened feels amazing.”

dholzel@washingtonjewishweek.com
@davidholzel

Says Yael Krigman, “Everything is baked here, and we don’t use mixes.”                                 Photo by Suzanne Pollak

What can you say about a bakery whose Web address is bestcakepopever.com? Hyperbole? After two bites of an Oreo cake pop, I don’t think so.

Meet Yael Krigman, attorney, Fulbright Scholar and baker who opened Baked by Yael in January. Located on Connecticut Avenue in the District, her pink and white storefront is located directly across the street from the entrance to the Smithsonian’s National Zoo in Woodley Park.

For the uninitiated, imagine a baked cake all crumbled, and then mixed with icing and then dipped into candy coating before being placed on a lollipop stick. The result is a cake pop, an extremely rich and moist two-bite treat that is less fattening than a cupcake, given its smaller size.

“I started out making Jewish home-baked goods,” said Krigman. Co-workers at her former law firm begged her for samples and told her she had a great future if she ever left the legal profession. Krigman made her career switch slowly, starting with a catering business and graduating to owning her own store.

Krigman creates various colors so that the design on her cake pop or the ribbon used on the lollipop stick – or both – match with the bride and groom’s wedding colors. Her cake pops also work as favors and come with customized tags. The individualized treats make attractive centerpieces, she said.

Although she uses only kosher ingredients and is about to have her kitchen kashered, Baked by Yael is not certified kosher.

Don’t think she wasted her time in law school and her eight years practicing law. Krigman estimated that she saved “tens of thousands of dollars” by doing her own legal work when setting up her business, complying with health regulations and obtaining the necessary licenses. Also, she knew enough to trademark the word “cakepoppery.”

Owning a business is harder than being a lawyer “in the sense that everything falls on me. If I don’t bring in the business, I don’t get paid. But in another sense, I know the answers. I don’t have to look up the cases,” said Krigman, whose father is Israeli and whose mother hails from Philadelphia.

Her time as a Fulbright Scholar in Spain was helpful too, especially when it comes to speaking Spanish with customers, she said.

Currently, she is in the store whenever it is open and has a small staff, including a full-time baker. Her goal is to eventually hire more workers and focus her own time on “strategic planning” and bringing in business.

There isn’t a great deal of variety at her store, mostly cake pops, cookies, fruit bars and rugelach, a pastry made in the form of a crescent by rolling a triangle of dough around various fillings. On the weekends, Krigman boils and hand rolls her bagels, which she sells in the varieties of plain, poppy, sesame seed and everything. She is flattered when a customer opts not to use cream cheese but just eats it plain, she said.

“Everything is baked here, and we don’t use any mixes” or preservatives, she said.

Although open just one month, Baked by Yael already has its regulars. During a recent visit, one customer teased Krigman that back home in North Carolina, “They’ll be calling you y’all.”

Chris Carter, a National Zoological Park police officer, stopped by for his daily treat. The first time he visited, he ordered a raspberry bar, having never heard of rugelach. After he was told what a rugelach is, he has been purchasing either a cinnamon or chocolate one, often both, ever since. “I just met them two-and-a-half weeks ago and they feel like family,” he said of the staff.

According to Krigman, the best dessert she sells is her black-and-white cookie. “I love eating them so much,” she said. “It’s so hard to find a good black-and-white cookie.”

spollak@washingtonjewishweek.com
@SuzannePollak

A young couple, lifted onto trays, are carried into the party.
Photo by Victor Obadia

Not all Jewish weddings are made alike.

What separates a Sephardic wedding from an Ashkenazi wedding?

The henna ceremony is probably the most recognizable difference. Several days before a Sephardic wedding (in Israel, henna happens after the wedding meal), a festive party takes place where the bride wears colorful clothing and the guests dance to music from Morocco or Yemen or Spain or Iraq or whatever the country of origin is. The highlight of the ceremony is the painting of the bride’s hands with henna dye as a symbol of good luck for the bride and groom. The guests have their hands painted, too.

“It’s very festive. The food is sumptuous. It’s just a very lovely ceremony,” said Irene Kaplan, a woman of Moroccan heritage whose late father, Albert Emsellem, was one of the founders of Magen David Sephardic Congregation in Rockville, just outside of Washington, D.C.

“It’s supposed to be good luck for their wedding, and good luck to the people who are attending and getting the henna on their hand,” added Kaplan.

Former Magen David president Samy Ymar, who is also of Moroccan descent, had a traditional Sephardic wedding in Washington in 1978 and recalled the henna ceremony.

“It was like a week before. On a Saturday night. There was Moroccan music, Moroccan food, Moroccan pastry and Moroccan clothes. The men [wear traditional clothing] and the ladies are dressed with special clothes,” said Ymar.

Ymar recently attended his son’s henna ceremony and Moroccan wedding in Herzliya, Israel.

The henna plant is found throughout parts of North Africa, the Middle East and Asia and can be traced to antiquity. In Israel, henna can be found in the Ein Gedi oasis in the Judean desert. The Bible mentions henna: “My beloved to me is a spray of henna blooms from the vineyards of Ein Gedi.” (Song of Solomon 1:14).

Other pre-wedding differences between Ashkenazi and Sephardic ceremonies include a special mikvah party for the bride and a special Shabbat for the groom, depending on custom or often together with the bride.

The wedding itself differs from Ashkenazi customs mostly in what Sephardic couples don’t do. They don’t fast on their wedding day. They don’t bedek, or veil the bride. They don’t take a private moment right after the ceremony. Also, the Sephardic bride does not circle her groom seven times, and the groom doesn’t wear a kittel, a white ceremonial robe.

Kaplan’s cousin, Esther Amsellem, whose daughter had a Moroccan wedding in New York a couple of years ago, sees more similarities than differences these days between an Ashkenazi and Sephardic or any wedding for that matter.

“It was a very joyous occasion. We did sneak in some Middle Eastern music into there. Some Moroccan music and Israeli music and the American music that everybody is used to. It was very much a New York wedding,” said Amsellem.

jmarks@washingtonjewishweek.com
@JoshMarks78

Tiffany Stark Marker and Adam Marker were married this past summer in Virginia.
Photo by Cynthia Kirsch

When it comes to planning a wedding, inviting friends and family is the easy part. How to determine what constitutes a “plus one” for the same friends and family can be challenging, especially when costs are increasingly a concern as the guest list grows.

Where to draw the line? Marriage? Serious relationship? Casual date?

Tiffany Stark Marker, 34, a yoga instructor, and her husband Adam Marker, 40, an attorney,
initially planned to invite more than 200 guests to their wedding ceremony at Whitehall Manor in Bluemont, Va., this past November. As the dollar figures began to rise, the Arlington couple made the tough decision to narrow the guest list to only people who they had a special connection with. The final guest list was nearly halved to around 110.

“My husband and I had a policy that unless somebody was in a relationship already, and it was like a serious relationship, that we were only going to include them to create a more special environment,” said Stark Marker. “If someone just needed to find a date for the wedding, we thought it would take away from that specialness, that camaraderie. So we decided to cut costs by only allowing people to bring someone who they were in an established relationship with.”

Event planner Marci Etman, of Creative Parties in Bethesda, said that while keeping costs down and creating an intimate environment with close friends and family are the two biggest factors in being more selective with who is allowed as a “plus one,” venue size should not be discounted.

She said that the guest list is becoming more of an issue because as many couples wait longer to get married, they have more single friends holding off on marriage until later in life and wanting to bring a date.

“When you really look at some of these lists, these brides and grooms are inviting so many of their friends. If they have a lot of single friends with dates, it adds a lot of people to the wedding. So it’s something very important to consider,” said Etman.

However, wedding etiquette expert Nancy Mitchell believes that if budget and space permit, the bride and groom should consider inviting all guests, including singles bringing a one-time date and newly dating couples. Mitchell said that if the bride and groom decide not to invite a long-term friend or family member’s date with whom they are unfamiliar, then they must be prepared to defend the decision.

Restrictions on the guest list can put the bride and groom in an awkward position as some of their friends develop serious relationships or even get engaged during the planning process, which can take up to a year. At that point, the couple feels obligated to include the “plus one,” said Etman.

This was the case with Stark Marker, as during the course of her engagement, some of her bridesmaids started to date seriously and closer to the wedding date said they wanted to bring someone.

“We did it on a case-by-case basis because when you invite a lot of people to a wedding you don’t know who is going to respond as a yes. And so when we saw some cancellations, we decided we were going to go ahead and say, ‘If you have someone special, we can accommodate that as well.’”

jmarks@washingtonjewishweek.com
@JoshMarks78

Erika Ettin

If you’re reading this wedding supplement, then you’ve probably “made it.” You’ve probably answered “yes” or said “I do.”

As a dating coach, many clients come to me wanting to find that perfect partner, that person who makes them no longer want to be on the market, that “one.” They tell me that they have had relationships in the past that haven’t worked out for one reason or another. Or they tell me that they have had that magical romance only to have lost their loved ones too soon. Whatever the circumstance — and everyone has a story — they hire me to help them navigate the murky waters of dating in the hopes of finding the right fit.

Wherever you are in your relationship, it’s important to remember that everyone is on his or her own journey, and some people spend more time in certain chapters of their lives than others. I’m here to remind the happy couples that the singles out there need a special kind of friend, and there are certain things you can say or ask that will likely grate on them. For that reason, I want to share the top five things that you should not ask your single friends
or relatives.

You’re such a catch! Hasn’t anyone snatched you up yet?

This question puts undue pressure on that person, and no one like being put on the defensive. This is such a backhanded compliment. If you want to give a real compliment, simply say, “I feel lucky to have you in my life.”

Do you think you’re too picky or you don’t give people a chance?
Everyone has standards. It’s up to your friend to decide what his or her non-negotiables are. There are nicer ways to ask this question, like “What are you looking for in a partner?”

Why are you still single?

It’s the word “still” here that is the most irksome. Adding the word “still” makes this question sound like there is only one thing in life that people aspire to — not being single. There are so many singles out there who want nothing more than to be independent, and a relationship is the furthest thing from their mind. That’s a choice that I truly respect, and no one should make you feel guilty for making it. Let’s remove the word “still” from single. Always. Period.

Do you think you’re afraid of commitment?

If the answer is “yes,” then what do you say next? Do you have a solution? And if it’s “no,” then it just makes the person feel worse. Plus, the question may bring up painful issues from
the past.

Maybe love will come when you least expect it?

Because of my job, I have to refute this one. Dating isn’t easy, which many people don’t realize.  For example, when it comes to online dating, many people think they can just throw a profile up there and wait.  That’s like signing up for a gym but never setting on a bike.  It’s just not going to work.  Most things that matter in life — jobs, fitness and even the pursuit of love — take work. It’s always worth it to give something the old college try.

So, for the readers, congratulations on your impending nuptials. Revel in the joy that comes from a very special event in your life. Heck, go crazy! But when it comes to your friends and loved ones, remember that everyone moves at a different pace, and everyone makes different decisions about how to spend their lives. There’s no one “right” choice. You simply make the choice that’s best for you.

Erika Ettin is the founder of A Little Nudge, where she helps people successfully navigate the world of online dating, and the author of “Love at First Site.”

Just weeks into her Masa Israel Journey, Samantha Sisisky, 25, found herself lost in a new city in a new country. Little did she know she was about to find her future husband, Ben Winik, 24.

A participant of the Gedera-based Yahel Social Change Program, Samantha had traveled to Rishon LeZion to visit a friend who was a Masa Israel Teaching Fellow in the city.

“My friend didn’t know where I was, so she handed the phone to Ben, saying, ‘My roommate goes running all the time and knows the city,’” Samantha, a Richmond, Va. native, explained. While Ben remembers giving her great directions to the apartment, Samantha remembers things a bit differently.

“He said to go straight and turn right at the pizza place, but there were like 19 pizza places,” Samantha remembered. In the end, she found her way to her friend (and Ben), with the help of Google Maps. “I got there, and I think the first thing I said to him was, ‘those were terrible directions.”
Over the next few months, Samantha and Ben continued to talk and see each other more and more. They grew to be close friends, and by early February 2013, they were an official item.

Although they participated in different Masa Israel programs in different cities, Ben and Samantha’s year in Israel was very much a shared experience. “It was nice to have someone there to talk to and get support from,” Ben, originally from Haworth, N.J., said. “It meant a lot more than having someone back home who doesn’t necessarily understand what you were going through.”

In addition to their shared experiences, both Samantha and Ben benefited from participating in different Masa Israel programs. The more they visited each other, the more their social circles grew. With each trip to Gedera, Ben came to know more of Samantha’s friends – both from her program as well as Israelis from the area – and vice versa.

“Our relationship started in isolation from all of the other stuff you’d have to deal with at home,” Samantha said. Both she and Ben agree that the pace of life in Israel, especially while on the Yahel Social Change Program and Masa Israel Teaching Fellows, allowed for them to spend more time together in the beginning of their relationship than if they had met back in the States.

Now, two years later and back in the U.S., Samantha and Ben are recently engaged and living in Washington D.C.  “When I was younger, I always thought I would end up with someone who was Jewish because others wouldn’t understand where I came from,” Samantha said. “At this point, I can’t imagine not being with Ben, but I also can’t imagine being with someone who doesn’t understand my experiences in Israel.”

During their Masa Israel programs, Samantha and Ben independently chose to stay in Israel for another year to pursue graduate degrees at Tel Aviv University. In the spring of 2014, Samantha graduated with an M.A. in Middle Eastern Studies; Ben graduated with an M.A. in Security and Diplomacy Studies. Samantha works as a development officer for the Jewish Federation of Greater Washington’s Women’s Philanthropy. Ben is an analyst for Blackboard, an educational software and technology company.

The biggest boost to my love life came the autumn I got dumped by two women. Best part? They both told me why I was toast.

Maria resented my humor. My steady stream of quips left her feeling under attack. Leah’s grievance was melancholy. She was sad that my sense of humor built an impenetrable wall between us. Their double-whammy rejection of my humor cut deep.

At the heart of the matter, I was unpracticed at rejection. I had designed my love life to avoid being told no. This looked like: no girlfriend until college; a handful of short relationships in my 20’s; and walking away from an engagement at age 31 because I was tired of hearing what was wrong
with me.

I wanted my experience of romance to improve. I had read a stack of books on dating, attended personal development seminars and even dropped thousands of dollars on dating coaching. I was deeply introspective and wide open to constructive feedback. Anything I could see to fix myself, I would try. But the elephant in the room was that I was petrified of rejection.

The advantage of avoiding rejection is that it was keeping my feelings from getting bruised. The flipside of the coin was costlier. I was actively killing off all the opportunities to hear what I needed to hear.

Imagine steering clear of every stranger who is courteous enough to tell you that your fly is open or that you need a breath mint. You’re sparing yourself that momentary twinge of embarrassment as you zip up, but the booby prize is that you continue to go through life looking silly. However, unlike zippers and bad breath, love matters.

Love matters a lot, I thought to myself, reeling from the second rejection. I could see in my mind’s eye the familiar downward spiral on which I was about to embark: Maria and Leah didn’t like my humor. It was my new defect du jour: Humor is what’s wrong with me! Time for my soul to don latex gloves and perform a painful humor-ectomy.

I started laughing. If love mattered so much, it seemed odd to compromise my sense of humor, which is foundational to how I love. What if there was nothing about me to fix?

It hit me that I had spent my life misreading rejection. Maria’s and Leah’s pink slips were not only first-rate intel, they were free. Neither woman was even criticizing me. Rather, they were kindly and straightforwardly telling me what I was too distracted by their attractiveness to see: hell would freeze over before we would ever be compatible.

Being elated by rejection was new terrain. It was disconcerting and I liked it.

However, my resolution to use my humor as a strict litmus test for all first dates going forward was short-lived. Within minutes I received a text asking me out on my last first date. We met for brunch, fell in love with each other’s humor and eventually
got married.

I’m convinced that learning to value rejection was key.

Gideon Culman is a professional life coach and host of Legacy Talk Radio. He lives with his wife, Anna, in Washington, D.C.

Allie Lentz dances with her maids two of honor, during the Hora at her Potomac wedding at the Bolger Center.
Photos by David Stuck

While most brides will admit that music is one of the most important elements to a successful and memorable event, finding the right entertainment is a difficult decision that is often left until the end. Yet, guests will remember a fun reception more than anything else. And a good band or DJ is key to getting guests onto the dance floor and keeping them there.

How do you find top-notch wedding entertainment? First, you have to ask yourself three important questions:

1. How large is the wedding party and how many guests have been invited? This will determine the number of performers and type of entertainment that can be selected without overpowering the venue or not being heard at all.

2. What are the budget parameters? Good ceremony musicians, bands and DJs are often less expensive than you might think. But budget will again determine the number of performers and type of entertainers that can be selected without sacrificing quality.

3. Are there any style or theme preferences? Music provides a perfect opportunity to express a couple’s unique identity. Tie your selection in with the look/feel of the wedding and choose music that your family and friends will enjoy.

Now that you’ve asked yourself these questions and narrowed down your options, it’s time to start selecting your entertainers. Look for people who have been in business for several years and who specialize in the wedding circuit. They will have the professionalism and expertise to direct the flow of your reception, so that you can actually enjoy the event, rather than stress over various details.

Also, focus on entertainers with tons of positive online reviews. Hundreds of satisfied brides and grooms cannot all be wrong. And if you can afford it, there’s no substitute for hiring live music instead of a DJ. Nothing gets guests out on the floor better than a talented dance band. Not to mention, it looks so much better in all your photos/videos. Just imagine everyone dancing the Hora to live music, and you’ll get the idea.

Successful wedding bands know all the most requested songs in a wide variety of styles and provide an exciting, dynamic experience by responding to the crowd’s energy, extending songs to keep dancers on the floor while creating the impact and immediacy of live music.

But the best bands will fully customize the experience, providing options on the number of musicians, saving you money in the process. Just make sure they have experience with Jewish weddings. Also, to avoid ‘bait-and-switch’ tactics, overhead expense, and commissions/mark-ups, always
book direct rather than through the entertainment agencies.

In selecting your wedding band, quality of website and demo videos are excellent indicators of what you can expect. In this industry, presentation is key. So make sure whoever you hire is impeccably dressed and provides the impression you want to convey.

But at the same time, avoid fake videos that were obviously produced in a studio setting, often with overdubbed vocals or lip-synching. Look for those with actual performance footage and audience interaction. Nobody likes a cheesy wedding band, so strong vocals are very important. Also, experienced bands are able to read the crowd and take requests.

Often, the difference between a reasonably priced but expert wedding band vs. a good DJ is merely an extra few hundred dollars or less. But the difference in results is immeasurable. Unforgettable weddings are all about creating once-in-a-lifetime experiences, so entertainment is definitely not an area for cutting corners. Some of the better bands also accept credit cards, and as an added bonus, you can use those frequent flier miles when planning for your honeymoon.

Always be sure to choose an established band with good organization, including backup equipment and substitute personnel in the unlikely event that something goes wrong. They should also have a dedicated manager who’s responsive, easy to work with and accommodating to your needs.

So go ahead, book that fabulous wedding band, and start making those special memories to last forever.

William Goldman has been involved with the local music industry and weddings for the past 25 years as a performer, recording artist, music producer, event planner, business consultant and manager.

Aden and Josh marched in the Boston Pride celebration after their engagement

After coming out in May 2012, I began searching for someone to be with: a partner, a nice Jewish guy.

I began by going to Keshet events and meeting guys on OKCupid. There were some nice guys, but nothing clicked.

During one Keshet Shabbat, I chatted with another guy about our Jewish and spiritual journeys and felt something between us. But he left before I could get his name.

Months later we reconnected and agreed to meet in Cambridge, Mass. The date was a long walk along the Charles River from Cambridge to Copley Square in Boston. Aden and I could not stop talking. Sitting on a bench on Copley square he leaned in for a kiss on the cheek.

I felt nervous. This was the first time someone felt that close to me. I didn’t know what this would lead to, but I felt something special.

Eight months later, I went up to his home and noticed something was off. He was nervous and out of character.

I asked, “Is something happening tomorrow?”

“No!” he replied quickly.

I glared and thought for a moment. “Are you going to propose to me tomorrow?”

In a split second he responded, “No, I got you a puppy, and his name is Jim Henson.

The next day we went together to help Keshet set up for Boston Pride 2014. I was excited and nervous to meet my supposed new puppy.

When we arrived, my friend Adam from high school was there. Not totally out of the ordinary, I knew he was going to Pride, but I was confused as to why he was spending so much time chatting with me. But anyway, I was meeting a puppy, what did I care?

Along came Aden’s friend Sara, without a puppy. I was confused.

Instead, he got down on one knee and showed me a sign that read “Will you travel through space and time with me?”

He gave me a TARDIS box with a ring in it. He said he loved me, my family, my friends, and my Jewish commitment. And then asked, “Will you marry me?” I said yes.

We held signs sharing our brand new engagement as we marched through the parade. While marching, we heard shouts of “Mazel Tov” and “Congratulations!”

It was quite a day. Aden told me he had to do it on Pride because it was a meaningful day for me. Two years prior I had just come out. Aden put so much thought into the day, which shows his love and care for making meaning in life and understanding me like nobody else.

-JTA News and Features

Beth and Jeff Kopin with the Ramahniks.

NEW YORK (JTA) — Beth and Jeff Kopin are one of an estimated 700 married couples to have met at one of the Conservative movement’s Ramah camps.

The Kopins, who fell in love at Ramah Wisconsin in the 1970s, went on to raise a flock of “Ramahniks.”

“There’s this family feeling if you meet another Ramahnik,” said Beth Kopin, who calls herself a “Ramah lifer” and splits her time between Chicago and Jerusalem. “There’s the communal experience of Shabbat singing, of keeping kosher, of being in a Hebrew musical, of exploring Israel together. It’s being part of a smaller tribe within a larger tribe.”

That’s why Kopin, along with some other Ramah alumni, urged the North American camp network to start a dating service for its alumni.

The service, called RamahDate, is expected to launch this year and is being created in partnership with JDate, the for-profit online dating site. Believed to be the first Jewish camp-specific dating service, RamahDate will cater exclusively to Ramah alumni. The camp estimates that as many as 10,000 of its former campers are single and under 40.

RamahDate users, who will pay the same fees as other JDate users, will be able to search the entire pool of Jewish singles as well as restrict their searches to those in the group registered with a “Ramah badge.” As with the general site, Ramahniks of either gender can choose whom they want to date, men or women. According to the terms of the agreement, 70 percent of the first month’s fee of each Ramah alumnus or alumna will go toward Ramah scholarships; after that, JDate will retain all the revenues.

Ramah initially explored the possibility of constructing its own alumni dating service and also spoke with Saw You At Sinai, an Orthodox matchmaking service. However, it settled on JDate because it liked the company’s approach. With the technological infrastructure already in place, the partnership also saves Ramah from making significant financial investments.

The partnership does have its drawbacks. JDate is in the midst of restructuring, which has delayed RamahDate’s launch from the start of 2015 to some point later in the year.

In the meantime, single Ramah alums are waiting with interest for RamahDate.

“It limits the pool in a positive way. There’s a common understanding, interest and memory of what was experienced,” said Sarah Attermann, who is spending the semester studying for a master’s degree at the Jewish Theological Seminary here. Attermann, who is 28 and single, also is the program director of Ramah Darom — one of Ramah’s eight overnight camps, and based in Georgia.
After RamahDate was publicized, she said, “I got a lot of text messages and emails. Everyone was asking, ‘Is this for real?’ People are so excited about it.”

Another single woman and Ramahnik, who requested anonymity, noted that because she’s only 25, she doesn’t feel “so much pressure to actively enroll in a paid service” like JDate, though she uses free dating apps. For RamahDate, she would be willing to invest. The common culture and values “give you a jumping-off point,” she said.

Camp officials suggest that Ramah memories and culture stretch across the North American network, with alumni from different Ramah camps recalling the same Hebrew-English phrases such as “Yom Sport” and intuitively knowing just when to bang on the table during a recitation of Birkat Hamazon, the grace after meals.

Rabbi Mitchell Cohen, national director of the Ramah Camping Movement, says the dating service offers a gift of sorts to “alumni, who even after their camp years are still looking for someone with their Jewish values.”

Even without a kickoff date, Ramah has been fielding calls from other Jewish youth groups and camp movements interested in partnering.

Andrea Glick, director of communications for the Conservative movement’s United Synagogue Youth, said that she thinks RamahDate is a “great idea” and “we would absolutely join them.”

But at least for now, the answer is no. Cohen says he does not want to appear “elitist and exclusionary,” but he worries about diluting the brand and losing a special quality if the dating network were to cover the entire Conservative movement, for example.

Beth Kopin – the “Ramah lifer” – is less concerned that some might find RamahDate too exclusionary.

“You know what?” she said. “Oh well. Parents who send their kids to Ramah sacrifice a huge amount of money. A lot of energy goes into making a Ramahnik. It’s a huge amount of effort and there should be a benefit.”